I won't abandon me again
"Breathe in through your heart"
This past week, I've been practicing and experimenting with various meditation techniques, but I have found one person and her guided meditations to be particularly helpful at this phase in my life.
Her name is Tara Brach, and you can find all of her information here.
This Loving Kindness mediation helped me gain insight into myself I had no clue existed.
Here's what happened:
At one point Tara guides you to ask your self "what is it that you might need to tell yourself right now, what need comes up from your heart, what is it that you need to hear for comfort?"
And without hesitation, the first thing that came up from the depths of my consciousness was this phrase: "I will not abandon you again."
What did this mean??
I kept pressing my hand to my heart, feeling its' warmth and felt a little confused, shocked and stunned as I kept visualizing breathing in and out of my heart. (imagine that you have nostrils or an opening in your heart and you're breathing air in and out of it...yes, it's weird but soothing at the same time.)
As I wrapped up the meditation and opened my eyes, I remained seated on my cushion trying to make sense of that experience.
I found some clarity in it...I detected my pattern.
Which was that during any relationships I had, I would blow off everything for the sake of the other person, even if it didn't make me happy. I didn't keep the balance I needed to be ok.
If something wasn't working, I just waited patiently in the hopes of it going away, or tried to communicate but wasn't able to establish a real connection with myself or partner.
We all do this to some extent, but I really reached the limits. I would prefer to have none of my needs met if it meant I'd keep the other person satisfied and happy.
This insight gave me a different perspective moving forward and made me think about who I want to be from now on.
Right there and then sitting on the cushion on the floor, hand to my heart, I made a commitment to myself that I won't abandon me again.
This gave me comfort and soothed my heart by knowing that my happiness depends on me taking care of myself first, above all else.
It made me feel empowered, strong and hopeful.
I'm slowly allowing myself to love me in a brand new way.
I'm allowing myself to not abandon me again.
Comment to let me know: Have you felt like you've abandoned yourself for a relationship even though it wasn't working?