Chronicles of a blindsided breakup

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The following are my journal entries from a painful, blindsided breakup I experienced a couple years ago. The sudden finality of it, which came without warning, no signs that it’s heading that way, took me on a journey through grief and loss, confusion and some of the darkest moments I’ve ever felt.

These were written during my most vulnerable, darkest moments of emotional despair.

I want my unbroken heart back.

A SHORT STORY ABOUT A LONG STORY

Girl and boy come together after a series of unfortunate events.

She craved love, acceptance, and belonging.

And told herself a story: the boy will want to give her these, forever.

She waited. 

Years went by.

The boy's heart was too broken, beyond repair.

He couldn't mend it, so instead, he shattered the illusion.

He ended the story.

The girl stood there, shocked, holding in her hands all the pieces of something that resembled her heart.

She left them on the floor.

Somewhere in sunny California.

UNTIL IT DID

I never thought I'd experience this. The illusion that somehow I was immune to grief, loss, heartbreak.

That this won't happen to me.

Until it did.

And it left me breathless.

I'm still here, holding my heart, trying to breathe through it.

IN THE END

In the end, {I}t wasn't what you wanted. 

Whatever else didn't have me in it, it was stronger.

It beat me.

No matter the reasons, and the whys.

Rejection. Unworthiness. Guilt. Shame. Truth. 

IN THE THICK DARKNESS

It wouldn't have come back. Ever. 

It all was buried too deep in the shame, deep under the blackness of guilt. 

I tried crawling through the depths of the thick darkness with you, but I lost you somewhere in there along the way. 

Or did you lose me? 

I'm not sure which happened first...or when.

I stood still in the darkness, hoping I'd glow bright enough for you to come back, to find comfort in the warmth of my light. 

But the burden was too heavy to carry. 

You were too lost to find me. 

Or did you not want to? 

I couldn't see...It was too dark.

So you stayed still, with the heaviness of the guilt and shame burning through you, making you incapable of moving towards any direction. 

You didn't even make the slightest sound;

Maybe you kept silent out of fear that I'd try to convince you to stay. 

Just like I always did. I kept trying and trying and trying...

Or maybe you didn't want to be found?

It was too heavy for any soul to carry for a lifetime.

Did you know that sometimes I still visit the darkness and shine my light?

I know you're not there anymore. 

I guess I'm just waiting for myself to walk by and soothe my own heart.

BROKEN PIECES

You'll find scattered pieces of my broken heart in these places.

Mixed in with some false hope, gut-wrenching pain and loss.

Energy trapped there, together with the void of grief.

  • On a sandy beach, on some Greek island, trying to throw the pain in the salty water.

  • On a transatlantic airplane flight.

  • Every bus ride.

  • A rocky, tiny beach.

  • On a balcony with a lemon tree and bougainvillea next to it.

  • On the floor in an apartment in California.

  • Slipping through my hands.